I am still waiting for some sort of resolution to the horrible, unbloggable situation. Thankfully, my day-to-day interactions are much better than before - I'm not bursting into tears at random times and I'm able to go out, smile, laugh, make jokes, and even enjoy myself. However, as much as I seem to have it together on the outside, deep down inside, I'm still hurting. I'm good at compartmentalizing things and not showing my emotions when I'm around others; now that the initial shock of the situation has worn off, I'm back to being the same ol' comebacknikki in public, but when I'm alone, things can easily take a dark turn if I don't keep myself occupied.
Well, if I'm being honest, I have to say that I tend to do that compartmentalizing thing not just around other people and that's part of my problem (partially related the unbloggable situation, but it also extends way beyond just that). Instead of really dealing with issues or getting over things, I tend to just push them into a box in my mind and pretend they never happened. I've been doing this for years and now it's starting to catch up with me.
I think an even bigger part of the problem is that I don't think I know how to truly forgive someone or how to just get over things (here's a good example). M and I were talking about this the other day and he pointed out that I seem to have a lot of residual anger and hurt over things that happened years ago. As much as I hated to hear him say that, I know it's true. Maybe I just don't know how to forgive people. Is that weird? Sure, I feel I've gotten over many things - we've all been slighted by those we love at one point or another & those are the things I've let go. My problem is with the big stuff - things that I thought I could get over, but still let affect my relationships ten years after the fact. These things don't bother me on a daily basis; in fact, I usually give no attention to them until something that is said or done takes me back there. That's when all of the anger, frustration, or hurt rears its ugly head once again. When this happens, I usually don't say anything, I just stew about it and then recompartmentalize it. Needless to say, I have a lot of unnecessary craziness taking up space in my head.
This not-getting-over-things problem goes beyond just the actions of others; it also includes other fun topics like family issues and my parents' deaths. After watching several friends and co-workers go through their own grieving processes, I realized I never really settled things within myself after my mom died. It has almost been ten years since my mom died and thirteen years since my dad died; I still carry around an immense amount of grief and sorrow surrounding both of their deaths. Dr. BH's post about dreams hit me hard - all these years later, I still have my own version of those dreams and will often wake up in a distraught state. This happens at least a few times a month... the frequency has increased during the last couple of months (which I'm sure has something to do with that ten-year anniversary that is quickly approaching).
Although it's not all directly related, all of this plays into the unbloggable situation; it's also why I finally decided to make an appointment with a therapist. I've struggled with whether or not I wanted to do this for years - not that I didn't think I could benefit from therapy, but because I had some pretty crappy experiences with it in the past.* I spent a chunk of time last week going through my insurance directory of therapists and googling each to read up on them. I finally found someone who has a lot of positive reviews and employs a combination of the humanistic method and cognitive-behavioral therapy, which I think is the best fit for me. I spoke with her for about fifteen minutes (via phone) and she seems nice enough; hopefully, I'll like her when we meet in person (on Friday). I'm trying hard to keep an open mind about this because I do need to get myself together. The methods I used to keep myself together during my twenties just aren't working anymore.
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*The first time I went was when I was in college and was having a hard time after my dad died; our relationship came to an end after five or so sessions when she admitted she didn't have much experience in grief counseling & wanted to refer me elsewhere (um, I was a poor college student who couldn't afford to actually pay - I had gone to her because she was free for students). The second time was complete BS because I only went because ex wanted me to (for a completely stupid reason) and threatened to leave if I didn't; I ended up going for three sessions, then I stopped counseling and got rid of ex (which was what I should have done in the first place). The third time was around 2002ish when M & I were having some issues - the therapist decided we shouldn't be together and spent every session trying to convince me why I should leave, even though I had told him I was there because I want to work through some things, not end the relationship. That was a bit counterproductive.
11 comments:
So sorry things aren't settled. I do hope the therapy works for you this time. How crappy that you've not had a good experience with that in the past.
I hope this therapist can help! I know it could be a relief to you to move on from some of the demons that are hanging over you.
Good for you! I'll hope this time around it's a positive relationship. Sounds like you really need a place to dump out a lot of stuff. Thinking of you.
I am so glad that you are going to talk this out with someone. I was in a situation where I had to finally look myself in the mirror and admit that I needed sometone to talk to. I hope that you find the peace that you seek.
I am here if you need anything. Even if it is a re-tox.
Lots of hugs.
Hang in there, sweetie! I hope thre is a good connection with this one. Good luck!
Ok. First, I want to hug you. Second, I want to pour you a giant glass of wine and sit you on my couch right next to me, cross-legged style and go to town hashing all this out. You know I just walked out of a relationship I didn't want to leave. Ok, it was barely a relationship, but FUCK did I want it to be. I am ok, fine, happy, etc., but deep down? I'm UPSET it ended, as much as it had to. I miss him, I want him, I care. I'm compartmentalizing that into a folder in my brain titled "Things You Should Not Be Feeling But Are."
Next, therapy. I'm starting to think I should set up appointments of my own, mostly because the epiphanies of bad habits and such that I keep getting it with are overwhelming. I have all this clear cut info now on what I'm doing wrong, what I should be doing, even WHY I have made decisions I have. But I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE. I feel like help there would be fantastic.
I saw a therapist three times in college and she changed my perspective on a couple of key things.
I'm a fan.
Sorry this is a hugely long comment, but I feel you. Hang in there, I wish we could hash all this out in person, in PJs and over bottles of wine and boxes of Kleenex.
xoxo
I hope you find the therapy helpful. Making that appointment is a big step, and if the therapist you see doesn't end up being a good fit, perhaps she can refer you to someone else.
As for forgiving people, that's some hard work, to truly forgive. As for the grief? I'm not sure it ever truly ends. And as for the anger? I've got a lot of that, too. So what I'm saying here is that you get a lot of empathy from me and I am sure I'm going to learn something from your experiences. Thanks in advance :).
The best thing about therapy is that it forces you to talk about what you are feeling. I hope it brings you peace and understanding.
Glad to hear you're going to talk this out with someone. Good therapists are priceless. I highly recommed "The Empty Chair" exercise. Very cathartic.
Hope things start looking up for you sooner than soon, Miss Lady.
I hope everything is ok. It sounds like you're taking positive steps to move progress things forward.
I hope you liked the counselor when you met her. You haven't said.
Finding a good counselor can be really hard. The one I found was recommended to me by a whole bunch of people -- including several professionals. We're getting along just fine. He listens well, makes really good observations, and doesn't push me faster than I can move.
My problem: PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). It's more common than you might think; it doesn't happen just to military people. As well, these is some physical stuff, which my doc and I are sorting out. The initial problem was almost three years ago. Since then, I've tried twice to get back to work; in both cases I lasted about 4 months and "crashed" again.
I choose not to blog about the situation. It was work-related. (My gut feeling is that yours is work-related, too, but I'm just guessing.) I hope that, when you see a light at the end of the tunnel, it doesn't feel like a freight train coming towards you. I hope by time you get out of the tunnel, you'll see sunlight, green grass, beautiful flowers, and all the things that are refeshingly wonderful to/for you.
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