She is back in my life again... just like that. There was no warning, no grand gesture. She just showed up in the form of a friend request on facebook.
After I sent the card/note and didn't receive a reply (in 2006), I decided to drop the search for awhile. I just wasn't emotionally ready to handle any more disappointment. I let it go for a year, but after a random conversation with M, decided to put her name into google one more time. Of course, I found her immediately. After years of being unable to find her on the 'net, there she was - her contact number was listed on her job's website, and there were several of her paintings for sale on a few art sites. Unfortunately, I still couldn't find an email address. I definitely wasn't interested in calling her at work (Surprise! I know you're at work, but let's talk about why you still seem to resent me!), so I decided to try to get her email address from the receptionist at her job... another big failure (apparently, they don't use email there. WTF?!).
A few weeks after the failed email search, I reconnected with one of her mother's kids (J) on facebook (the one closest to me in age & the one who has the strongest relationship with her). He gave me some updates, but I decided not to press him for contact information because once again, I had lost my nerve and was afraid of having to deal with another possible hurtful situation. Plus I didn't really want to get into it - "it" being whatever the hell we would have to go through in order to have any type of relationship. As much as I wanted to reconnect with her, just the thought of actually investing some time, effort, and emotions into it left me feeling drained.
At the beginning of this year, I finally asked J for her email address & he told me she rarely checks it or replies to anything. He also said the best way to reach was by phone. I toyed with the idea of calling her, but never did. Honestly, I hate calling people under normal circumstances... awkward phone conversations are not high on my list (I would much rather have an awkward email exchange).
After 10 years of no contact, she has stepped back into my life... in what capacity, I'm not quite sure yet. She sent me the friend request on Sunday and I immediately accepted it. However, there has been no other communication. I have to admit that I've been waiting for her to make the first move; I don't want to be the one who makes that move (and that has been a big part of what has held me back from trying harder to contact her over the years). Yes, I know it's completely childish, but years of conditioning have left me feeling hesitant/slightly bitter.*
Despite everything, I am relieved to at least have one tiny step (initial contact) out of the way. What comes next (good or bad) remains to be seen.
--------------------
*I'm much better now at letting go of things/forgiving people than I ever have been, but there's still a lot of residual hurt that I carry with me. I know it's not her job to make that hurt go away & that for my own good, I just need to let it all go/forgive her, but it's damn hard!
3 comments:
Wow.
I would just take things slow and let this play out. I don't blame you for being bitter. I know from personal experience that being slightly bitter and a little un-trusting is not a bad thing.
Good luck.
I agree with Seeking Solace, take things slow.
But I hope that you find what you are looking for.
You have been through an amazing amount of upheaval in a relatively short period of time, I don't see how you can possibly have the energy to do anything other than to take it slow on this particular issue. I hope things will soon start falling into place for you. Remaining with your boyfriend in a new, considerably less expensive, apartment seems like a good start. Hopefully everything else will follow - health, job, relationships. Sounds to me like you've paid your dues everywhere and are deserving of some rewards now. Good luck!
Post a Comment