The Ex Files, part 2

Some details have been changed to protect the innocent (well, he really wasn't so innocent, but I decided it was best to change any identifying details).

The day I saw J showering with a Ziploc baggie on his hand was the day I realized things had gotten way out of control. It was also the day I realized exactly how unhealthy our relationship really was - the baggie was the thing that pushed it over the edge.

J and I had been dating for almost two years; they weren't unhappy years, but looking back, I wouldn't say that I really was happy. J was a bit of a loner and had pursued me through poetry, quotes from obscure novels, and meaningful mixed tapes. I fell for his quirky humor and intense personality. What I didn't realize about J (until we were already firmly into a relationship) was that he was both obsessive and possessive, which was a dangerous combination.

J didn't like when I hung out with other people - he wanted me to spend all of my free time with him. He was insanely jealous of my relationship with my best friend (C). Although he was always nice to her face, he constantly put her down when she wasn't around, which caused massive arguments. He felt I spent too much time with C and thought I should be confiding in him over her (in all situations). At first I thought his jealousy was sweet, but I quickly grew tired of his complaints. He also hated for me to talk to other men. He had low self-esteem (although he was good at faking confidence when he needed to) and worried that I was potentially starting something/having sex with/lusting after every man I was friends with/studied with/talked to for more than 10 minutes. If I wasn't with J and/or if there were too many other people around us for too long, he wasn't happy. He always wanted it to just be the two of us.

Not only was J possessive, he also had this weird obsessive thing... it was part of what drew me to him in the first place, but at that time I didn't realize how it was actually extremely unhealthy (for both of us). If J wasn't around me, he was writing poetry about me, or long letters to give me (we lived together, so it wasn't like we went all that long without seeing each other). When we were together, he always had to touch me - even if I didn't want to be touched and/or it wasn't appropriate. We talked about our future regularly and his version always involved us living in a remote cabin in the northern woods of WI without much human contact. Again, I thought it was romantic at first, but about a year into the relationship, I started to become uncomfortable with his ideas and actions. It was the baggie incident from the second year of our relationship that finally moved everything over into the creepy realm.*

I walked into the bathroom to say good-bye to J before I left for work. He was still in the shower, so I stuck my head around the curtain to give him a kiss... and that's when I saw the baggie on his right hand. I laughingly asked him what was going on and he looked back at me with an embarrassed half-smile on his face. After a bit of stuttering, he finally fessed up - he was wearing the baggie because he wanted to keep a certain scent on his hand. He wanted the scent to stay so that he could continue to sniff it throughout the day and think about me. Yes, he had a baggie on his hand so that his shower didn't wash away the... well, sex smell from the night before. He also mentioned that it wasn't the first time he had done it - it was a fairly regular occurrence and something that he enjoyed doing because he kept us close throughout the day. He even seemed proud that he had thought to start showering with a baggie to um, preserve the scent. [Yes, I know!! WTF?!?]

I thought about that damn baggie all day. While some women may have found his actions flattering, I was very creeped out by what he had done... part of me understood that he wanted to feel close to me, but his adoration had turned into an unhealthy (and unsanitary!) obsession. Although I loved him, I realized that what he was doing wasn't about love; it was just pain weird and uncool.

I was an hour from leaving work when J came in to start his shift. As our boss said hello to J, I saw him casually lift his right hand to his nose and sniff. I stared him in horror as he flashed me a huge smile, turned to our boss, and stuck out his hand to shake her hand. She grasped his hand, looked at us quizzically and just giggled - she knew we were dating, but had no idea what J had just done. I was simultaneously repulsed and mortified. He spent the next hour giving me sly glances and sniffing his hand. I tried to act like I normally would, but I was seething inwardly. Every time he touched someone's hand (there was a lot of handshaking at this job) or sniffed his own hand, I wanted to smack him. At one point, I even thought about stabbing him with my pencil, which would cause him to bleed & bandage the offensive hand.

There was a lot of talking and arguing later that night, and our relationship came to and end shortly afterward. J never understood why I was upset about what he had done, nor did he get why I thought it was weird/inappropriate. He also continued to write me love letters and hate letters (you ruined my life/why did you leave me/don't you love me/what's wrong with me) for the next six years. Yes, he followed me for six bloody years! Thankfully, he's pretty much completely out of my life now... except for in the form of the Ziploc baggie story (which is still weird, but I now see the humor in it). That's one that will never go away. :)

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*I know this all sounds so negative & it's obvious I shouldn't have been with him, but, this is me looking back at things that happened over 10 years ago... things weren't so obvious back then.

Ex Files, part 1