As of now...

I am still waiting for some sort of resolution to the horrible, unbloggable situation. Thankfully, my day-to-day interactions are much better than before - I'm not bursting into tears at random times and I'm able to go out, smile, laugh, make jokes, and even enjoy myself. However, as much as I seem to have it together on the outside, deep down inside, I'm still hurting. I'm good at compartmentalizing things and not showing my emotions when I'm around others; now that the initial shock of the situation has worn off, I'm back to being the same ol' comebacknikki in public, but when I'm alone, things can easily take a dark turn if I don't keep myself occupied.

Well, if I'm being honest, I have to say that I tend to do that compartmentalizing thing not just around other people and that's part of my problem (partially related the unbloggable situation, but it also extends way beyond just that). Instead of really dealing with issues or getting over things, I tend to just push them into a box in my mind and pretend they never happened. I've been doing this for years and now it's starting to catch up with me.

I think an even bigger part of the problem is that I don't think I know how to truly forgive someone or how to just get over things (here's a good example). M and I were talking about this the other day and he pointed out that I seem to have a lot of residual anger and hurt over things that happened years ago. As much as I hated to hear him say that, I know it's true. Maybe I just don't know how to forgive people. Is that weird? Sure, I feel I've gotten over many things - we've all been slighted by those we love at one point or another & those are the things I've let go. My problem is with the big stuff - things that I thought I could get over, but still let affect my relationships ten years after the fact. These things don't bother me on a daily basis; in fact, I usually give no attention to them until something that is said or done takes me back there. That's when all of the anger, frustration, or hurt rears its ugly head once again. When this happens, I usually don't say anything, I just stew about it and then recompartmentalize it. Needless to say, I have a lot of unnecessary craziness taking up space in my head.

This not-getting-over-things problem goes beyond just the actions of others; it also includes other fun topics like family issues and my parents' deaths. After watching several friends and co-workers go through their own grieving processes, I realized I never really settled things within myself after my mom died. It has almost been ten years since my mom died and thirteen years since my dad died; I still carry around an immense amount of grief and sorrow surrounding both of their deaths. Dr. BH's post about dreams hit me hard - all these years later, I still have my own version of those dreams and will often wake up in a distraught state. This happens at least a few times a month... the frequency has increased during the last couple of months (which I'm sure has something to do with that ten-year anniversary that is quickly approaching).

Although it's not all directly related, all of this plays into the unbloggable situation; it's also why I finally decided to make an appointment with a therapist. I've struggled with whether or not I wanted to do this for years - not that I didn't think I could benefit from therapy, but because I had some pretty crappy experiences with it in the past.* I spent a chunk of time last week going through my insurance directory of therapists and googling each to read up on them. I finally found someone who has a lot of positive reviews and employs a combination of the humanistic method and cognitive-behavioral therapy, which I think is the best fit for me. I spoke with her for about fifteen minutes (via phone) and she seems nice enough; hopefully, I'll like her when we meet in person (on Friday). I'm trying hard to keep an open mind about this because I do need to get myself together. The methods I used to keep myself together during my twenties just aren't working anymore.

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*The first time I went was when I was in college and was having a hard time after my dad died; our relationship came to an end after five or so sessions when she admitted she didn't have much experience in grief counseling & wanted to refer me elsewhere (um, I was a poor college student who couldn't afford to actually pay - I had gone to her because she was free for students). The second time was complete BS because I only went because ex wanted me to (for a completely stupid reason) and threatened to leave if I didn't; I ended up going for three sessions, then I stopped counseling and got rid of ex (which was what I should have done in the first place). The third time was around 2002ish when M & I were having some issues - the therapist decided we shouldn't be together and spent every session trying to convince me why I should leave, even though I had told him I was there because I want to work through some things, not end the relationship. That was a bit counterproductive.

Hurting

I'm having a rough time right now. Basically, I'm a huge emotional mess, but because I'm right in the middle of a horrible situation, I can't go into details. Unfortunately, it really is in my best interest to not talk about it; instead, I just have to sit in limbo for an unknown amount of time until something is decided. I'm not good at waiting, especially when the end result involves a potentially unpleasant life-changing decision.

This horrible, currently unbloggable situation led to a mini-panic attack on Wednesday night. It was my second-ever attack and although I was able to get it under control fairly quickly, it was still scary. The first time I had a panic attack was about six years ago and it was so bad that my chest hurt for week afterward. Thankfully, this wasn't nearly as bad, but the feelings that caused it are still there and still very raw.

As I wait for answers, I'm trying to continue with my life and go about my normal activities. Although it's not easy, I've been fairly successful in keeping things together in public. I did break down at work on Thursday, but managed to make it to the bathroom before I started sobbing. I'm not one to cry at work and the thought of having to face my students with red eyes and nose helped put an end to it. I then spent Friday and Saturday indulging in some much-needed distractions and relaxation: movie-watching with Beebs (both movies were incredible) and lunch & facials with the girls. I'm spending tonight watching the Oscars (which I absolutely love).

I'm hoping things will move forward soon, but I don't know. I know the best thing to do for now is to try to not obsess over things I cannot control, but that's always easier said than done.

Muahahaha!!

Turn up the volume for this one! :)

Metablogging

I've spent the better part of the past year contemplating whether or not to shut down my blog. I know that may come as a surprise to some of you, as I haven't mentioned it here before, but it has been something I've been seriously considering. It's primarily because I feel like I've lost my blogging mojo - this space has turned into an endless cycle of me bitching about being sick, bitching about classes/my insane schedule (25 classes per year!), or promising to blog more. Plus, there's the guilt - I always feel like I should be posting more often, blogging about more interesting/substantial topics, commenting on other blogs more, etc.

Last weekend, I finally had the opportunity to meet the great Maggie (from professorial confessions) and to chat with her about her decision to end her blog. What she said made a lot of sense & I recognized some of my own reasons in her explanation. Oddly enough, although blogging starts out as an enjoyable pastime, it can cause a lot of stress (feeling obligated, but not always having the time), uncertainty (feeling unsure about the persona you've created), and worry (job-wise).

On the other hand, blogging has led to some amazing opportunities, both personally and professionally. When I started blogging (back in 2004), I never imagined that I would meet other bloggers who would eventually become some of my closest friends. Out of my 264 facebook friends, approximately 45 of them are bloggers (not counting those I knew before they started blogging), and I've met at least half of the group in person (and I'm nowhere near done meeting people - in fact, I have another meet-up next month!).

How does this all relate? Well, before last weekend, I was definitely leaning toward shutting it down, but after an awesome night out with a group of amazing people (all of whom I met directly because of blogging), I decided I'm not going to stop. I don't want to leave the community I've been a part of for the last 4.5 years... I want to continue reading, writing, learning, growing, and meeting new people (as cheesy as that sounds). There is just so much awesomeness in the blogworld and I'm not ready to give it up.

However, I do feel that I need to make some sort of change. The move to the new site was a step in the right direction - now I just need to get myself together and get out of the blogging slump. In order to do this, I've decided to clean out my draft graveyard. I went though the hundreds of drafts I had started & never finished over the years and whittled it down to 90 possible posts - be prepared for some random topics to pop up during the next couple of months. :)

So yes, I'm back and am recommitted to blogging. I promise not to bitch about any sicknesses anytime soon... unless I get food poisoning again because it's just so awful it must be blogged. :)

Cool nerd

I spent most of today (starting around 2:00 this morning) alternating between the bed and the bathroom, thanks to either a stomach bug or a minor case of food poisoning from last night's dinner. Either way, it hasn't been fun or pretty.

In better news, I am officially a cool nerd. Yay.

Your result for The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test…
Modern, Cool Nerd
72% Nerd, 50% Geek, 25% Dork



For The Record:
A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd.

Nerds didn’t use to be cool, but in the 90’s that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn’t quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eked out for themselves a modicum of respect at the very least, and “geek is chic.” The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)!

Congratulations!

Are you a Nerd, Geek, or Dork?