50

As of last Friday, I have officially lost 50 lbs.

Yes, that's right...50 lbs, aka my original goal for the entire year (and the size of an average seven year old!). Fifty lbs is not my overall goal, but it is the part I wanted to accomplish in 2010 (and is a big chunk of the overall goal) - and now, I've met it with just over four months left in the year. Woo-hoo! I've lost a second grader! :)

Seriously though, this has been a very good thing for me. Ever since M & I moved last year (as a result of the unpleasant & still not completely settled situation), I've been on a journey to fix the things in my life that are causing me unhappiness (my job!), weighing on me (physically or emotionally), or just need to be addressed (e.g. finding a new doctor). At this time last year, I was completely unhappy about where I was health-wise. I wasn't sleeping well, had little energy, and just felt blah most of the time. I was also holding on to a lot of unnecessary BS, which was weighing me down mentally. Now, I'm not going to lie and say that I've been able to let go of everything, but through recommitting myself to a healthier lifestyle (more exercise, better food, more relaxation/fun time, less stress) I have been able to manage it all in a healthier/more productive way.

Obviously, there have also been some positive physical benefits (second graders are heavy little suckers!)... mainly, I'm back to reaping the benefits of those awesome workout endorphins. Actually, my workouts have become a huge factor in being able to manage some of my stress (I greatly enjoy mentally boxing my department chair's face). I'm also back to craving the more physically-demanding activities that I used to do frequently (and love), but had stopped doing (hence, the sluggishness) - especially hiking and kickboxing. Oh, and I've also gone down 2-3 clothing sizes (depending on the brand)... although I'm trying to limit what I buy (due to a combination of finances & the fact that my size is still changing), I'm definitely excited about shopping for new clothes (hell, I'm always excited about that!). I'm still able to wear some of my old clothes, but only the pieces that were fitted (or a little too tight) - all of the pants and shirts that were loose or more flowy had to go because I was swimming in them (and all of the extra material was giving me an unattractive preggo-looking stomach).

Not to be all dramatic, but really, the journey I've been on this year is something that has been building for years. For those of you who were around back when the Active Academic started up (back in its heyday), you may remember that I used to blog about my fitness goals over there. I think some of what I published there really gives the best picture of the unhealthy cycle I was stuck in...
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2006
I have been struggling with the same 60 lbs over the past four years. Well, it didn't originally start out as 60 lbs - it started out as 30 lbs that I wanted to lose before my best friend's wedding (I was in it). I successfully dieted and exercised away the 30 lbs before the wedding, but gained it all back (+10 more lbs) the next year. Looking back, I can't say I'm surprised that I gained the weight back. Instead of making lifestyle changes, I went on a somewhat drastic diet to reach my goal. I lost the 30 lbs in two and half months and immediately went back to eating the way I had been before the diet. The next three years were filled with dieting, exercising, losing the 40 lbs, gaining it back (+a few more lbs each time). Gain, lose, gain, lose, gain, gain, gain. As of this summer, I am at my highest weight ever. Actually, I am 5 lbs over what I consider to be my scary weight - the weight I said I would never let myself get to again. Needless to say, I am very unhappy with where I am now.

Unlike in the past, this time I'm ready to make lifestyle changes and not just diet away the excess weight. I cannot continue to go through the lose/gain cycle. Not only is it hard on my body (physically), it's also hard on my mental state; I beat myself up way too much when I gain the weight back. I need to have consistency and the only way to do that is to make permanent changes. I learned through trial and error that my success all depends on how consistently I exercise. When I keep up with my workout schedule, I eat healthy foods. That is the key for me. Whenever I exercise, I connect the food I consume to my workouts - the desire to eat so-called bad foods lessons because I think about how many hours on the elliptical I would have to do in order to burn those calories. The threat of having to work extra-hard at the gym keeps me from burying my face in that pint of Ben & Jerry's. Thankfully, I don't hate to exercise. Once I start doing it consistently, I feel much better and I would even say I enjoy it...but I still don't want to have to do extra. :)

2008
Back in 2006 I wrote about my fitness struggles – the 60 pounds on and off (in various quantities) over the last six years. Well, it's now 2008 and I'm still in the same situation, despite my resolution to make major lifestyle changes that would prevent the on and off weight gain (which is hard on my body). This is the year it stops.

When I sat down to write out my theme/goals for the year, I took a long look at how I wanted to treat myself and what I needed to do in order to be happy. I realized that in order to get there, I first have to make some lifestyle changes that don't center around physical health - mainly, I have to stop being such a friggin’ perfectionist. I am an excellent dieter. I can focus and lose weight very quickly; however, I'm not so great at maintaining anything (eating or exercising) over the long haul. Usually what happens is that whenever I reach whatever particular goal, I give up the routine and go back to eating the way I was/not exercising much within a few months. Once I see gains, I completely give up. I have to let go of that extreme attitude (one setback does not equal a complete failure) if I'm truly going to make lifestyle changes. I turned 30 last October - I really don't want to spend my thirties dealing with the same 60 lbs that plagued me during the latter half of my twenties.

My fitness goal for the year is to lose 50 lbs, which averages out to a little over 4 lbs per month. I would like to lose 10 more than that, but I don't want to be unrealistic. Looking at what I've done in the past, I definitely think losing 4ish lbs a month is doable if I stay consistent. I'm already off to a good start - I have a decent teaching schedule this term that allows me to schedule a five day a week workout routine. I started the routine last week, along with my new classes; I purposely started at the same time so that I could establish my time perimeters from the very beginning. As I mentioned before, as long as I'm exercising regularly, I will eat well (because I can't dissociate how much time I'll have to spend exercising in order to burn off whatever random bad food I eat). Really, the key for me is making regular exercise a part of my life no matter what schedule changes happen.
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So, what happened? Well, I did go through the loss cycle again (both times), but I ended up gaining the weight back (+some) because I never truly made the lifestyle changes I needed to make in order to be successful and happy. As of this year, I was finally ready to make those changes. Basically, I had to work through letting go of my all or nothing attitude (which I had attached to many things in my life). I can be a bit of control freak and tend to view the things I do in absolute rights or wrongs. When it came to eating healthy and exercising consistently, the minute I would skip a workout or eat some junk food, I would fall off the wagon and go back to old, comfortable habits (complete perfection or nothing at all). I did recognize this about myself and at one point, I started to avoid putting myself in social situations that would lead me to be tempted to cheat on my very regimented plan. Well, as anyone who has ever been on a diet knows, that does not work (unless you plan to be a hermit for the rest of your life). Sure, it's possible to stick to it for a few months, but you can't be 100% in control of every situation 100% of the time... plus, trying to live that way makes you crabby and resentful!

Letting go of my control freak side is truly what has been life-changing (no, it's not completely gone, but it's mostly out the door). I eat healthy about 90% of the time - I do track my numbers (I try to stick between 1300-1800 calories p/day, dependent on if I work out that day, the intensity, etc.), but unlike in the past, I don't starve myself and I don't freak out if I go off plan. I also allow myself to have what I want when I eat out (which is usually only twice a week). It's not like I make terrible food choices anyway (I have a bit of a delicate stomach & don't want to suffer the consequences), but if I want a cupcake, I'm going to have a cupcake, damn it! Besides, a life without cupcakes just sounds really bloody sad. :)

I've known that it's all about balance for years, but it has taken me years to actually find that balance in my life. I'm not 100% satisfied with my mental or physical wellness, but I am 100% positive that it's all on its way and I will get to where I want to be in the near future. As of now, I'm relishing in meeting my 2010 goal early and thinking about my new goal (that original 60 lbs will so be gone by the end of the year). Yay, me! :)