Awesome student

From one of my spring Composition 101 student evaluations:

"After 16 weeks, this class has proven my assumptions wrong. I really was not interested in writing and thought this would be the most boring class ever... actually, of all my classes, I thought it would be both the most boring AND difficult. Not only did I end up enjoying myself, I also discovered my passion for writing! I guess I can't always be right... but please don't tell my wife I said that."

What I've been doing...

...besides not blogging. :)

• Exploring the festivals & farmers markets around the city (this was awesome - well, minus the hour-long torrential downpour). As much as I hate the muggy, nasty weather that tends to come with this season, I love all of the events that crop up around the city during the summer. The summer really is when Chicago is at its best!
  
  
• Attempting to get a handle on everything that's happening in my professional life. Despite my best efforts, it still feels like its spiraling out of control (sigh). I'm still waiting for the final details of this situation - why yes, I was supposed to have answers weeks ago. And no, I don't have those answers quite yet (sigh x2). There have been a few clarifications, but nothing close to what was promised. I will explain all once I actually know what's happening (sigh x3).
  
  
• Contemplating relationships. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine lost her significant other of almost 20 years and is dealing with not only her loss, but also some surprising/hurtful reactions from people who aren't being very sympathetic because they weren't married (because I guess it doesn't really hurt unless you have that legal document?!?). Also, two of my other friends have recently confessed they want to leave their husbands (neither said it out of frustration or as a fleeting thought - both are seriously considering it). My head is still spinning from some of the things they said about their husbands and how they feel/don't feel anymore. Love does not conquer all... and there needs to be so much more than just love in order to sustain a viable connection with your significant other. Relationships take a lot of hard work, sacrifice, patience, and desire; once that desire to maintain a healthy connection is dead, the relationship can't survive. Both of my friends are in a place where that desire is completely gone.
  
  
• Mourning the loss of two more relatives (both my grandmother's sisters) - great aunt #1 died two weeks ago and great aunt #2 died two days ago (only days after being told that her cancer was terminal and she only had about two months left). I didn't know #1 all that well, as she lived in another state and didn't travel much (she had 8 kids), but I was very close to #2 when I was younger (as was my mom & grandmother). The last time I saw her was in 2006 during our family reunion (and in the midst of a big family argument that I wasn't involved in, but watched play out at the reunion). Although I would say that closeness definitely faded over the years, her death still hit me hard - her branch of the family was such a huge part of my life for so many years (actually, my parents had even named them as my legal guardians in the case of their deaths). A huge part of my childhood (the little that was left after my parents & grandparents died) is gone. Out of my 12 great aunts/uncles, now only one is still alive. :(
  
  
• Traveling to various places in my head. I have a serious case of wanderlust. Currently at the top of my list? Sweden!! I've always had an interest in Sweden, as my father's side of the family is from there (I have one of those strong Nordic last names), but the urge to go has gotten even stronger after a friend traveled to Stockholm & basically declared it to be the awesomest/coolest/best place ever. I am going to Door County in October for a girls weekend and plan to make my annual trek to Kalamazoo to visit friends sometime in the fall (two of those three friends are moving to Key West in January!), but any big trips are definitely out of the picture until M gets a new job. He's also itching to travel (but not to Sweden!), so I think one of the first things we're going to do when he gets a job is make some plans!
  
  
• Teaching a summer class at Small College... this is on top of my normal full-time load (4 classes + freshman advising + various committees) at Large College. For those of you who haven't been around long/forgot: SC is where I started adjuncting back in 2004 (right out of grad school). Although I was hired on as FT faculty at LC in '07, I still occasionally adjunct at SC to pick up some extra money (LC has a horrible payscale - bottom 10% in the city!). Teaching five classes is not exactly how I planned to spend my summer, but the class brings in an extra $2k in eight weeks... and the prep for the extra class is minimal because I've taught it seven times over the last six years.
  
  
• Working out. I'm now down 37 lbs (woo-hoo!). I'm trying not to be too focused on the scale because I can easily become obsessive about it, but I'm a planner/organizer so numbers are important to me. I am working my ass off... well, actually, it's not my ass that's coming off, which is annoying. I would like to officially order my body to stop pulling the fat from my boobs - I've already gone from a DD to a D (yes, I know they're still big, but I'd like to keep them that way!). Please move much further south... there's so much more there!
  

Loss

I had another dream about my father last night.

I was back in Michigan - we were walking down the Lake Huron shoreline (near where I used to live), laughing and talking. I don't remember the entire conversation, but I know at one point I told him about my job and all of the changes that are about to happen. After that, he asked me about M and said that he would like to meet him soon. The conversation & the walk were both very ordinary feeling and comfortable - it was as if he had never been sick & had been around for everything that had happened over the last 14 years.

Everything changed once our conversation shifted to his experiences in the Navy and the time he spent in Cuba. I asked him a question about his travels and he just stared at me. I repeated the question and once again, he just stared back at me. I started to get frustrated because he wouldn't say anything... and I could only ask the same question over and over. It got to point in which I started screaming the question and begging him to answer me, but he just stared and never said a word.

In the middle of the screaming fit, I woke up and discovered that my pillow was soaked with a combination of tears and sweat. I tried to force myself back to sleep, but found myself unable to stop thinking about the dream. After tossing and turning for awhile, I realized that the reason the dream version of my father wouldn't answer my question was because I don't know the answer. Actually, anyone who might possibly be able to answer my fairly simple question is dead. There is no one left who can tell me the things about him I didn't have time to learn. I have no way of ever finding the answers to questions big or small; I will always have to be satisfied with not knowing.

For the most part, I've learned to be okay with not having the opportunity to really get to know my father & I've moved on with my life since his death... but occasionally, the weight of everything I've lost presses on my chest and makes it hard to breathe.