Yo!

I'm horribly behind on answering emails, writing blog posts, and commenting on blogs... I've been inundated with a bunch of personal and professional craziness during the last couple of weeks, including finishing up the summer semester (today was the end!), prepping for the fall semester (starts on Wednesday), trying not to let my blood pressure get out of control during some particularly heated and ridiculous meetings at school, fighting with a wicked case of insomnia, and running around with my girls (fun summer activities!). Now that I'm officially on break (for five days - um, that is not a sufficient amount of time between terms!), I can actually catch up with everything (yes, I'm actually going to post! Yippee!).  Also, don't be surprised if I suddenly comment on something you wrote weeks (or possibly months) ago. :) 

Sparky

Sparky - the mascot of Evanston's July 4th festivities

Um, is it just me or is that an ejaculating shiny red penis walking down the street?

Sigh of relief

First, let me just say thank you to all of you who left comments on my last post or emailed me. It's sometimes hard for me to process any health-related news or issues when the word "cancer" gets thrown into the conversation. It really does help to hear from people who have much more rational perspectives on everything.

I had my ultrasound the day after I posted. I was prepared for the transabdominal part of it, and while it was uncomfortable, it wasn't horrific; however, I was completely unprepared for the second half of the appointment. In fact, I didn't even realize that there was going to be a second part until I was in the room and glanced at my paperwork and saw the dreaded word... transvaginal. I don't know if Dr. R2 failed to mention the second part or if she did and I just blocked it out. For those of you who have never been pregnant, have no STDs, or who haven't been forced to go through any disease screening, you've probably never been subjected to the joys of a TV ultrasound. Oh, it is a seriously fun time. I mean, who wouldn't enjoy having to self-insert a giant dildo-shaped & condom-covered camera into their nether regions while the ultrasound technician politely averts her gaze? Major awesomeness.

I met with Dr. R2 last week to discuss the results of the tests & for a pap (oooh, more fun!)... and yes, everything is FINE! In fact, she said that none of the tests indicated there's anything wrong... and there's nothing that needs to be monitored beyond a pap & another CA-125 test during the next year! In 2012, I'll probably have to do another ultrasound (oh, that's something to look forward to), but in the meantime, I'm in the clear. *Huge sigh of relief.* I'm now the same age my aunt (mother's sister) was when she died and statistically, I'm at a high risk of developing ovarian cancer... the combination of that, plus all of the testing has really been messing with my head. My family's history and various possibilities/statistics are all still looming, but I finally feel like the worry can be dropped down quite a few levels.

Medical stuff/why I'm a neurotic mess

Shortly after moving to Chicago, I started seeing Dr. D. She came highly recommended by a friend I trusted, was located in my part of the city, and was in my network (which was a stroke of luck because hardly any doctors in my area accepted my insurance). I saw Dr. D on and off for the next five years; I never had any major medical issues during that time, so I really only saw her for employment-mandated physicals/shots and the random bout of respiratory illness. In 2005, she decided she was tired of the harsh winters and moved her practice to California. Before she left, she sent out personalized letters to all of her patients and promised that the doctor slated to take over her Chicago patients (Dr. R) was super fantastic. Oh, Dr. R was super fantastic all right - if by that she meant fantastically, catastrophically horrid! I saw Dr. R for three appointments (thanks to a terrible winter filled with nasty colds, strep throat & bronchitis), all of which were disastrous - she was rude, condescending, and refused to listen to what I was trying to tell her (because I obviously had no idea what was going on with my own body).

After a particularly bad visit (one of the nurses even mentioned to me that many of Dr. D's patients couldn't stand Dr. R!), I decided I'd had enough of Dr. R. Thankfully, I had much better insurance by that point and had a wider array of doctors to choose from. I spent some time researching the doctors in my area and found Dr. H (who came with hundreds of positive reviews). Dr. H was indeed an awesome doctor... until she decided to close her practice a few months later (sigh). After Dr. H left, I gathered a few recommendations from friends, but never ended up actually making any appointments (I was seeing a nurse-midwife for gyno stuff & she was able to do pretty much anything I needed at that time). I did end up seeing Dr. R three years after our last appointment when I ended up in the hospital last year, but that was only because she works at that hospital and when they admitted me, they saw my old records and assigned her as my doctor (thankfully, I was on massive quantities of painkillers & only had one fifteen minute interaction with her).

Earlier this year, I decided it was time for me to finally find a new doctor... preferably one who could do gyno stuff (I'd rather have an all-in-one who knows all aspects of my medical history) and who wasn't planning on closing her practice anytime soon. :) It just so happened that D was in a similar position and had recently found her own super-fantastic doctor (aka Dr. Loveyoulongtime). After singing her praises, D urged me to make an appointment with her. After a bit of procrastinating, I finally made the appointment and saw her for a physical two weeks ago.

My first experience with Dr. R2 was similar to D's - she was extremely friendly and warm, and typed all of my interview answers into her little pink netbook (I have the same one!). I instantly felt at ease with her and could tell that she really cares about her patients (she actually listens & doesn't treat me like I'm a moron just because I'm not a doctor). About ten minutes into the appointment, I knew she was exactly the type of doctor I had been searching for/need.

Now here's the bad stuff... even though I go to the doctor on a somewhat regular basis and try to keep up with medical stuff, I often fall behind, procrastinate (like with the gallbladder issue last year - I waited so long to deal with the stomach issues that I ended up in the ER with an infection & had to have emergency surgery), or just completely ignore the situation. I'll usually only go if it's respiratory-related & I can't treat it myself or if it's for my girly appointments (and I really have to push myself to keep up with those). I tend to avoid going to the doctor for anything else... and that's mostly because I'm fucking scared. In my mind, going to the doctor = tests, which = some sort of horrific diagnosis (i.e. cancer). It's very, very hard for me to not think this way because of my family.

When Dr. R2 got to the part of the interview concerning my family's medical history, I totally lost my shit. I had never cried in a doctor's office before, but I just couldn't keep it in (part of it had to do with her bedside manner). She asked about my parents (both dead - cancer), my maternal grandparents (both dead - cancer & Parkinson's-related), my aunt (dead - cancer), my grandmother's siblings (11/12 are dead - 9/11 from cancer, 1 Alzheimer's-related). Actually, one of my great-aunts had died only days before my appointment. Every time I added a new relative to the cancer death list, Dr. R2 shook her head/made a small concerned response/noise. At the end of the list, she looked up at me and said that she was so, so sorry and that I must walk around everyday with a giant weight on my chest & worry about what is going to happen to me. That was when I lost it. The emotional burden is something a lot of people just don't understand... not only does it seem like I'm constantly mourning the lost of another family member, but also I'm living in fear, just waiting for a doctor to tell me that it's my turn.

At that point, she asked me if I had ever thought about genetic testing. We talked about it briefly, but she could tell that I'm not really ready to do anything about that (actually, I don't know I ever will be), so she said she would let it go for now. However, she did say she wanted to talk to a geneticist on staff to get his opinion - she wasn't sure if the testing was even something I should think about (none of the types of cancers in my family have been repeated in others - they're all random). After that, she did all of the normal physical/checkup stuff, sent me to the lab for bloodwork, and had me schedule a follow-up appointment for a pap. She also mentioned she wants me to start getting pelvic ultrasounds (my mother had ovarian cancer) and that they will test my CA-125 marker yearly (just to keep an eye on everything).

Although the appointment went well, I spent the next 15 minutes sobbing in my car. There's nothing wrong with me and Dr. R2 repeatedly said that the tests/ultrasound are only preventative measures. From the exam we did there, she said there's nothing for me to be concerned about, but she wants me to get on a yearly screening schedule just to make sure everything stays okay. Rationally, I understand why I need to do this. Also, I know I've never had any type of irregularity or suspicious test result that would indicate that there's even a possibility of anything being wrong... but still, I can't stop freaking out about all of the testing. After watching woman after woman in my family go in for tests & come back with cancer news, it's really hard for me to keep that rational side of my brain in control.

I did receive all of my bloodwork results earlier this week - I have moderately low vitamin D levels, but everything else looks good (CA-125 is completely within the normal range). Dr. R2 also mentioned that she had talked to the geneticist and he is very interested in meeting with me, but "only when [I am] ready" (typed in all caps). I have some major issues with the idea of testing (and I'm a big scaredy cat), so I don't know if/when that time will ever come (more about this later). In the meantime, I'm scheduled for my ultrasound tomorrow morning. I'm much calmer than I was when I first made the appointment, but I still have a bad attitude about it... and I'm still freaked out (not about the test itself, but about the potential results). I'm also scheduled to meet with Dr. R2 again next week for the pap and to discuss my ultrasound results - thankfully, the wait time between appointments isn't too long. Honestly, I'm a champion at hiding my feelings and pushing things to the back of my mind, so I know I'll be able to let go & have some fun this weekend (instead of just sitting around and obsessing), but still... ugh.

Everything is okay. I just have to keep telling myself this... and actually believe it.