Unsent

Dear Subway Guy:
It's really, really not a good idea to ask a woman when she's due unless you're 100% sure she's pregnant... as in you already have confirmation. Also, when the woman snaps back that she's "not pregnant, just a lazy fat ass" the appropriate response is not to try to justify your question by indicating that her stomach is puffy (which it totally wasn't). A simple "I'm sorry" would have been a better choice. Oh, and don't look to the person behind her in line for support, especially if said person is me... because I'll just laugh at your stupidity and offer my support to the supposedly pregnant woman who now feels like complete shit (all thanks to you). You really should consider yourself lucky that she didn't smack you across the face with her sandwich. 
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Dear Student #1:
Your tearful plea for a paper extension was so filled with BS that I don't even know where to start. OMG, you weren't able to upload your paper to Blackboard because you totally left your flash drive with the only copy of your paper in our classroom last week? And like you weren't able to get it back until this week because someone else totally picked it up? And like they didn't bring it back to school until this week? OMG! Well, that's an incredible feat, considering you hadn't been to class for three weeks... and like you totally hadn't even looked at the paper assignment on BB until a few minutes before you came to talk to me. The next time you try to spin a complicated tale of woe, please keep in mind that just because I don't take attendance doesn't mean that I don't know who does/doesn't come to class. Also, there's a nice little tracking feature on BB that lets me know who has/hasn't accessed each assignment and when. Paper extension denied... like totally. OMFG.
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Dear Student #2:
"It was hard, but I mustard the courage."
Oh, you so won the prize for the best typo of the semester.
Hahahahaha. Thanks for the laugh!
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Dear Student #3:
Thank you for your kind words. I was having one of those no good, very bad days... one that led me to seriously reconsider my profession. Although I did momentarily consider that you were just trying to score some brownie points, it was so sweet of you to say that I'm your "favorite professor ever." :-)
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Dear High School Facebook Friend:
You wear a size 0, weigh approximately 90 lbs, and have gigantic fake boobs.  Please try not to be offended when no one responds to your whiny post about how you look "sooo fat and gross" in your new bikini. Also, please try to refrain from posting another whiny post about how none of your "mean and uncaring friends" responded to your original post. While I understand that no matter your size/shape, every woman is occasionally hit by those moments of extreme self-consciousness/insecurity, your obvious fishing for attention post was a little over the top. Women who really feel bad about themselves in their new bikinis usually don't accompany the whiny posts with full-body photos (especially not ones that were taken outside - natural light is not always your friend). And honestly? No one feels bad for you, so you should just go ahead and STFU.
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Dear Skin:
Did you really have to push through that gigantic puffy painful zit while I was teaching? Really? You honestly thought that was the most appropriate moment? Sigh.
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Dear The Office People:
The addition of Will Ferrell has effectively dropped The Office from one of my favorite shows to a show that makes me want to punch someone. You suck.
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Dear Easter:
Would you just hurry up and come already?
late Easter = more store time for Cadbury Cream Eggs/the longer I have to try to resist eating them every single day/the less resistance power I have
Bad! Bad! Bad!

Love, comebacknikki