A few days after I
last posted, I had a brief text conversation with
Christina about the state of things. I told her that there's nothing in particular that's making me feel down; rather, it's life in general . Although I do have plenty of good moments, there's far too much dreariness (thanks to a lack of stability/middle ground in too many areas). She threw in the words "dull and difficult" - exactly how I've been feeling lately.
That same night, I read an article about happiness in
Whole Living. I read through it with interest, but nothing really stood out/struck me... until the end. Tucked away in the corner was a short excerpt from Thomas Bien's new book,
The Buddha's Way of Happiness. The excerpt focused on three key lessons to happiness: know that happiness is always available to you, accept imperfection, and don't try so hard. Basically, there's nothing that needs to happen first for you to be happy. Happiness is not about having absolutely everything the way you want it; rather, it's about being receptive to what's going on in the present moment and relaxing into what is good (instead of always focusing on what you want to fix/change).
Normally, I would just brush it off as some well-meaning, but ultimately, worthless information. I've always considered myself to be a little too cynical to get caught up in that hippie happiness crap (although I do willingly read about it every month - yes, I'm a bit of a contradiction); however, something about Bien's happiness lessons really hit me. As a slightly type A/strong
Judging person, I'm always looking to fix things. I constantly feel like life could be better, if only I... (insert one of hundreds of possibilities). I'm a list maker and spend many hours meticulously working my way through this and that (much of which involves changing and/or improving things). Although I am open to new possibilities (I'm not totally anal) and I do recognize the happy moments in my life, I am also the person who is always striving to attain that state of complete wholeness (which is what will bring more happiness!). And that's exactly what Bien says you should not do... that pursuit of happiness is what drives us crazy and leads to unhappiness.
I've never thought of myself as someone who's chronically unhappy or depressed, but I do spend a lot of time in a funk. I realized that's mostly because I'm just never satisfied. I always feel like I can do more and be better at everything (typical of any chronic overachiever). But here's the thing - until recently, I've never really thought about how my chronic overachiever tendencies (which I like about myself!) may be what's keeping me from continued happiness. Because I always want more and put the pressure on myself to do more, I'm never completely satisfied with my current situation and/or I revel too briefly in my achievements/happy moments (because I'm always looking to move on to the next one).
The article also made me think about a close friend of mine who currently struggling with her mental health. J spent years in hot pursuit of the perfect job at a specific company she had targeted, a husband, and a baby. After many ups and downs, she finally got everything she thought she wanted... and she discovered that she wasn't any happier than she was before. In fact, once the excitement of the new job, wedding, and pregnancy died down, she actually had a breakdown because she felt like there was something wrong with her... how could she still be unhappy after getting everything she wanted? J is seriously struggling with how to find satisfaction/happiness - she recently mentioned that she doesn't know if she will ever truly be happy because once she realized what she thought she needed was not want made her happy, she felt hopeless and lost.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this, except to say that I'm trying to make a conscious effort to be more present in the now. I don't want to feel that life is all dull and difficult... although there are definitely some things I want/need to change about my life, there's actually quite a bit of joy and happiness. I just need to shift my thinking. I'm not someone who wants to be a Pollyanna (let's face it, I like that I'm a bit of a snarky bitch), but I'm also not someone who wants to always be stuck in a funk. It doesn't mean I'm going to give up on trying to reach my goals/make changes, but I need to put myself in a place where I'm okay with my current situation even if it's not perfect.
"Happiness is very simple. It's our tendency to complicate things that makes it difficult."
-Thomas Bien
