I've made a concerted effort over the last six months to keep myself out of the
woe is me sinkhole by clearing some mental clutter. I made some
huge strides with this last year and then fell back into a funk at
the beginning of this year - part of it had to do with M's unemployment and my various job woes, but there was an even larger part that had to do with my need for perfection and the pressure I was putting on myself to fix everything that I perceived as being wrong with my life. I finally did some mental ass-kicking and decided that it was time for me to either start addressing some of the clutter in my head or just let it go if it really wasn't worth the time or effort.
As part of my quest to reclaim some mental space, I decided to finally bite the bullet and contact a former friend to apologize. Former friend had been taking up a small space in my head for the last fifteen years - while our friendship wasn't something that I constantly thought about, random things would remind me of her at unexpected times. As soon as thoughts of her would come to the forefront, I would instantly start obsessing about how to fix a situation from so many years ago.
Thoughts of FF had intensified over the past two years all thanks to facebook. She friended me two years ago - it was first time I'd had any communication with her since 1999. I immediately accepted her friend request and waited for her to make the first move. I was scared to say anything to her because honestly, I wasn't sure of her intentions. We had been fast friends in college; we initially bonded over our shared hatred of our school cafeteria work-study jobs and quickly discovered how much we had in common. I was thrilled to have her in my life, especially considering how horrible my suitemates were to me (oh, that's a lovely story for another day). Long story short, I eventually got caught up in some insecurities and other BS and ended up doing some shitty things to her. In return, she spread some horrible gossip about me (some of which was partially true). It was an ugly end to a lovely friendship (complete with a screaming match - it was a massive falling out). She ended up leaving the school six months later, but we never had a clean break, as we had several mutual friends and she would often visit the campus.
A few hours after I accepted her friend request, she sent me a friendly message. She wanted to know when I had moved to Chicago and if I still was in touch with a few of our mutual friends. She mentioned she was excited to see I was teaching, as she remembered when we were in education classes together. She gave me a brief update on her life (living in Chicago 'burbs, married, kids, back in school) and said that we should get together.
There was nothing in her message that indicated she was still angry or was holding a grudge, but something just didn't feel right to me. I finally realized it was because I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed by what I had done to her and embarrassed by the way everything went down. I was embarrassed that so many years had passed with me addressing the issue or apologizing. I knew I needed to say something to her about what had happened (if only for my sake), but I just didn't know what to say. So I didn't say anything... for almost two years.
Yes, I ignored her message for almost two bloody years. The longer I ignored her message, the worse I felt. Why couldn't I just move past my own stupid embarrassment (and pride) and apologize? Why couldn't I just send her a damn reply? It's not like she was asking for an apology - hell, she hadn't even mentioned anything about it. I mentally crafted and recrafted response after response, but I just wasn't able to move past that stage... until a few months ago.
I finally got sick of my own craziness and sat down and typed out a long reply. I explained to her why it took me almost two years to answer her message and what I was dealing with and hiding while I was in college (an extreme case of insecurity, mixed with two very horrible suitemates, along with a dying grandmother and father, as well as an overwhelming feeling of not being in control of anything in my life, and a slight eating disorder). I also sincerely apologized for what I had done to her - I really was a selfish, mean bitch (it's amazing how much perspective you gain over fifteen years).
As soon as I sent the message, I felt a sense of relief. Whether or not she accepted my apology, I had finally cleared some space in my head. I had finally moved past something that had been holding me back for years. While it hadn't affected me on a daily basis, it was still one of those things that I had been carrying around (unnecessarily) for years.
FF replied to my message the next day:
"Please, don't be embarrassed and thank you, but it was not necessary! Honestly, I forgot about it years ago! I've been told that you have to forgive in order to move forward, we were teenagers caught up in being away from home, in new surroundings and having to find ourselves as individuals.....shit happens. I love seeing all of your pictures and I've always wondered what you were up to - I've missed you!!!! I loved being around you and if you were that unhappy back then, you covered it well. I had no idea. I would have been so happy to listen... however, the past is just that and there is no reason to dwell on it!"
I sobbed after I read the first paragraph of her reply. It wasn't so much what she said, but more the fact that something I had dwelled upon for so many years had finally ended... and it was such a simple fix. All I had to do was apologize, but I was embarrassed to even bring up the past and scared of how she might react. I also didn't know exactly what to say - the perfectionist in my head said that everything had to be perfect because I only had one shot to get it right (and of course, a simple "I'm sorry" just wasn't good enough). Once again, I was the one who had kept myself from moving forward.
While I don't know if we'll ever be friends again, I'm so glad that I finally contacted her and said what should have been said all those years ago. As I mentioned last year, I don't want to be one of those people who carries a ridiculous amount of mental baggage (especially when it comes to things I can do something about). Whether you realize it or not, that baggage (both large and small) weighs you down and affects your overall quality of life. It's actually really amazing how freeing it can feel to finally address those seemingly insignificant parts of your past.
